Build International Ministries

It is God’s will for us to enjoy and have meaningful relationships in our lives. He made men and women uniquely (not better than each other). His purpose for us is to live in harmony and celebrate our differences. Regardless of our marital status, deep in our hearts we all long to be in a loving, accepting relationship. We’re created to receive and give love. However, many of us struggle to build quality relationships. We lack understanding and practical tools. We frustrate ourselves and each other because we don’t know how to understand our mate and be understood.

You married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligence recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. – Otherwise you cannot pray effectively. I Peter 3:7 (AMP Version)

In like manner you married women, be submissive to your own husbands – subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependant on them, and adapt yourself to them. So that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband. That is, you are to feel for him all that reverence includes] – to respect, defer to, revere him; [revere means] to honor, esteem (appreciate, prize), and [in human sense] adore him; [and adore means] to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love and enjoy [your husband]. I Peter 3:1-2 (AMP Version)

Better Relationships #2: Coping with Stress!

Men prefer time alone to cope with stress and problems. They process life in “boxes.” Have you ever noticed how men go into their “boxes” when they want to relieve themselves from stress? Newspaper, football and basketball court, TV and computer screen, a bed are all shaped like boxes! Men tend to handle life best by compartmentalizing their lives tackling one problem at a time.

What she can do: Show him that you care by giving him a hug or a kiss. But most importantly, give him the space to be alone to relieve his tension. Don’t tell him what to do unless he asks. Trust him that he will be able to solve his problems alone and come out victorious. Express your admiration for his ability to handle stress on his own but don’t bombard him with questions. That makes him feel inadequate and your lack of confidence in him.

Women work thru problems in a more intricate way. When they feel under stress, they need to talk and share their feelings about everything (good, bad and the ugly). They need to connect with someone who will listen without being judgmental of how they feel. During these times, her immediate goal is not finding solutions to the problems but someone to understand and accept how she feels. She does not want to be told that what she is feeling is wrong. At this time, she’s looking for a shoulder not a mouth (lecture).

What he can do: When women talk about problems, men automatically think that he is being blamed and she’s is making him responsible for her unhappiness. So very soon men start to get out of the conversation or put up a defensive wall. Understand that women need to process their feelings by verbalizing them. She’s not blaming you or looking for a solution when she expresses her feelings of frustration. Your feeling of being “attacked” is temporary. The sooner she feels understood, validated and accepted the faster her hopelessness will disappear.

Give her the “gift” of your attentive listening ears, keeping eye contact, and asking caring questions. Touch or hold her gently in your arms and tell her how important and valuable she is to you. You can score really big if you can listen without getting critical of how she feels and providing solutions to her problems.

Also before you retrieve to deal with your own stress, let her know that you’re not upset with her. When she feels secure in her relationship with you, she’ll not come after you trying to mend things. Without this she feels she has done something wrong and tries to reach out bombarding you with questions and unsolicited solutions.

Trust your man to solve his problems alone unless he asks for your input. Allow your wife to express her feelings without criticizing, interrupting or offering solution.

Better Relationships #1: Conqueror and Helper

Men enjoy independence. A man’s sense of self-worth is determined when he “feels” in-charge. When God made man, He gave him a task (taking care of the garden). He feels better about himself when he is free to do things and handle problems on his own. This is why men are often resistant to their spouse trying to change them. The more the wife tries to “improve” him, the more he tries to resist her. It makes the man feel like his partner doesn’t trust his ability to deal with life. He resists her input and she persists in trying to be a helper by making him the “target.”

What she can do: Give him the “gift” of freedom. Stop trying to change him. Don’t give advice unless asked for. You’re trying to improve him but he feels controlled. Share your feelings calmly with him about the areas you’d like to see him change. The greatest “weapon” you have in your hands is prayer! You’ll accomplish more talking to God about your husband than talking to him for a lifetime. Be assured, God answers prayer and your husband has no way out of His hands!

Women like to share. A woman is fulfilled when she can talk freely, express her feelings, supported and validated (approval for the way she feels). When God made Eve, He gave her a relationship ( to improving Adam)! Helping and nurturing comes naturally for her. She longs to get closer to her mate. Feeling number one in his life is of high priority to her. She enjoys the spirit of mutual sharing to feel secure and close to the relationship. To belong and assist someone else brings her fulfillment.

What he can do: Give her the “gift” of your listening ears. Be generous to invest your time on her. Allow her to share her feelings without criticizing or interrupting. Learn to listen to her sharing without taking it personal or thinking she’s “blaming” you for her frustrations. She is not; even if you feel like it! Do not try to “fix” her problems when she opens up to tell you how she feels. (Boy! Have I made some mistakes in this area? I did that again just this week!) Just listen with patience and empathy! Express genuine interest and care about her feelings.

A husband can make his wife feel important by listening to her and asking her input in the decision making process. A wife can make her husband feel confident by giving him freedom and not making him the target of her home improvement project.

* BuildInternational@sbcglobal.net

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